ADayInTheLifeOf...

So.

I have not been on here in a WHILE… but I’m here now. So we’ll skip to the good stuff. I want to do something. I need to, really. I haven’t been involved very much at all, so I need to do it up BIG… I need to make a difference and show that I care, because I really do, more than you know.

I want to host a benefit concert for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. As most of my friends know, my niece and nephew have Cystic Fibrosis and if you really have no idea what it is, well all I can tell you is GET INFORMED!  There really is no excuse in why you should know… www.cff.org… I gave you the link and everything for it… Knowledge is just a click away!

Anyhow, these kids are my world. They mean the world to me and it kills me everyday that I can’t do something to help them. So, by helping the CFF (CYSTIC FIBROSIS FOUNDATION) raise money, that in turn helps Emberlynn and Cohen…

So. Here’s what I’m proposing… I don’t know how and I sure as heck don’t know who or where or when or any of that… I want to somehow, by the grace of God, hold a benefit concert for the foundation. And I don’t mean like small bands, I mean, like lets get ahold of Metallica and see what we can do!

Ok, well, maybe not quick that extreme… but if at all possible, I know someone has to have connections to someone who knows someone. I am going to need A LOT of help… I mean a lot. I don’t even know if its possible, but I would really like for it to be. So. If anyone knows where I need to start… let me know. Any suggestions are welcome. :]

Let’s make Cystic Fibrosis… Cystic Fiborsis

You can’t tell me you don’t want to save the world after seeing this picture…

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/SavingGrace

It seems like a good day, just like most days. On the outside, it always seems like a good day. Because on the inside, it’s utter chaos. On the inside, I’m withering away more than ever. As I get older, as my 20th birthday approaches, I should feel happy, excited. But I can’t. I can’t feel happy when deep down, I know I’m not. I look around and see the people I love figuring out their lives and deciding their dreams and moving on. And what am I doing? Nothing.

I just got back from vacation, and it’s time to get back to reality. New York is a fantasy land with pretend people and unreal situations, and back home it’s time to face everything I thought I could outrun. I thought I could forget about the dreams that I once had that have run away, gone to someone who will work harder to keep them. And in May, what happens next?

I am a writer, but lately, I have no words— no way to express how or what I feel, so instead, I say what I know.  I am almost 20— almost not a teenager anymore. Bittersweet. Losing the innocence of teen angst, gaining the stress of adulthood I know all too well. I am jobless, still, and single, still. My life hasn’t changed a bit. Everything remains the same.

The bathroom has become my sanctuary, the only place I can be alone in my all too crowded house— the one place I can cry and no one asks whats wrong. The one place I can look at myself and see there isn’t anything real. Just the emptiness.

It’s easy to say, “Don’t worry, everything will work out” when you don’t know the situation. It’s easy to see the good when you know where your life is headed. It’s easy to be happy when you don’t cry every night. It’s easy to be hopeful when you don’t see your life falling from beneath you and you can’t stop running. And sometimes, all I want is for people to leave me alone because they can’t fix it with an “I’m sorry” and a hug. Somtimes, it’s more than that and sometimes, I just don’t want your pity.

Sometimes all I want is to me embraced, to be held, and feel loved. It’s hard to feel anything anymore when you’ve been broken beyond repair.

On the front, it’s easy to make everyone believe it’s all okay, even when it’s not. So for now, I keep my sanity by pretending it’s a good day and acting like everything is going right, even when that’s far from the truth.

Hopelessness.

It’s pretty much all I feel these days. Sometimes I don’t even want to get out of bed, and I think I could sleep all day. Others I feel like I can conquer the world. Why am I so up and down lately? I feel this overwhelming despair most days that nothing is getting better and my life is going nowhere.

Single. Unemployed. And at present, no goals.

This is how I see it: if I don’t even like myself most days, why would anyone else?

This week my Biology and First Aid classes seem to be coinciding with one another, because we’re basically learning about the same thing: sex, reproduction, and what it all comes down to, the birth of a baby. So today in First Aid, we watched a video on four different births, and each one was very graphic, showing everything, and I mean EVRYTHING, from the doctor checking dilation and a c-section to the baby crowning and the placenta coming out. Lots of nudity. I know I just wrote about giggling about a sex video, but I was just being silly, and maybe slightly immature. But when you’re a grown adult, and female might I add, and you’re grossed out by this process… I mean, really? Yeah, it’s messy and complicated, but it’s life. It’s a beautiful thing. So when you’re sitting in your chair, squealing like a 4-year-old, saying “Ew!” and “Oh, my God!” and turning your head looking like you’re about to throw up… maybe that’s a bit uncalled for.

Need I remind you, ladies, that that is the part we all have? And at one point or another, that will happen to most of us? As a matter of fact, we’ve ALL been there before…

So it’s not “Ew!” or “Oh, my God!”. Try to contain yourselves slightly better next time, k?

I just need to vent for a moment…

I just finished watching My Sister’s Keeper, and after reading the book months ago, I was excited to see the movie. Now I’m just pissed because, while it was a very emotional, moving movie, it was NOT THE SAME as the book. It ended completely different.

So tip for the day: if you’ve read the novel, don’t see the movie.

Loves.